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by Rhonda Findling

If you are reading this then you are very likely someone who is trying to not call, text, e-mail or even Facebook a person that you:

  • have broken up with or has broken up with you
  • have determined is abusive
  • are highly attracted to but they are not returning your level of interest (for whatever reason)
  • have an unhealthy connection or relationship with
  • is presently in your life but you’re trying to not act needy with

Through this work deep feelings might emerge or get triggered while you work on detaching from the person you are having an unhealthy relationship with. You will be learning new behaviors, ideas, and concepts to use as tools to help support you in your process.

I suggest having a journal where you can jot down your thoughts, emotions, and ideas to help in your transformational journey. A journal will also be useful for the writing exercise at the end of the lesson.

The whole point of resisting the urge to call, text or email is to:

  • Avoid the risk of getting rejected, hurt, and humiliated
  • Give them a chance to feel the loss of you
  • Not put yourself in a position of pursuing someone who doesn’t return your level of interest
  • Detach from someone you’ve broken up with or has broken up with you
  • Detach from someone you’ve determined is not good for you
  • Detach from someone who is abusive
  • Detach from someone who is emotionally unavailable
  • Not act too overly needy with someone who is currently in your life

When you contact someone you’re not hearing from or trying to let go of there can be a pleasurable rush of adrenaline from the anticipation of seeing them, hearing their voice or reading their message. But this rush is just a temporary fix, which you may have to pay a tremendous price for.

Even if the person does respond positively when you contact them, it may be momentarily thrilling or electrifying, but soon the anguish will return, because the problem is still there. Nothing has really changed. You’re still not a couple or the person remains emotionally unavailable. You’ll just have to start detaching all over again, doubling your efforts If you’ve ended the relationship because someone was doing something that you experienced as hurtful or refused to tolerate any longer, contacting them would take away your credibility for the boundary you set. By initiating a contact you would also be colluding with the behavior that you already told them was unacceptable.

Impulsivity

When you contact someone you’re trying not to act needy with, it’s often impulsive. Acting on impulse can make life exciting and dramatic but it can also put you at risk because you are not reflecting on whether it’s a productive behavior. You’re not thinking of the future and consequences. You’re just acting in the moment.

So if you’re thinking of making a contact, take time to reflect. Sit on your feelings. Endure your anxiety. Don’t just do something because you feel like it. There could be disastrous effects if you do.

Call people in your support system to discuss any impulsive urges that come over you- whether to see, e-mail, call, or text them. Discuss and process your feelings with safe reliable people. Remember that feelings do pass. Feelings are only temporary, which is why it’s important to hang in there even when the urge to contact them feels unbearable.

You have to do whatever it takes to endure urges to make a contact and move past them. As you do this more and more, you will feel yourself gaining emotional strength.